No further introduction needed ...

SPECIMEN #001 This Ain't A Halloween Costume Mullet Diet: Bar food by night, bologna sandwiches by day. Habitat: New Orleans clubs by night, construction sites by day. Daily routine: Little is known about this particular Mullet sporter. His beautiful, long ape-drape acts as a shroud, concealing any signs of his daily rituals. One thing is for sure though ... This creature carries himself with a never-before-seen sense of pride. Psychiatric conclusion: The clearly visible power of this mullet can mean only one thing ... this specimen is a BAD ASS!!!

 

SPECIMEN #002 Friendly Service Mullet Diet: Funyons and fountain cokes Habitat: Midwest (Numerous sightings in Indiana convenient stores) Daily routine: Wakes up at 1 p.m., farts, drinks some Coke. Leaves house for work in his all-white 80's Buick with the big back seat. Works second shift, smokes two packs of cigarettes because most of the cigs burned out while he was assisting customers. Comes home from work around 10 p.m., takes an hour-long dookie, meets pals at local bar for a night of heavy drinking to work on that beer-belly. Comes home with an empty big back seat, calls ex-girlfriend, passes out, vomits (in that order). Psychiatric conclusion: This popular late 80's hairdo is a tribute to the era when metal rock hair bands were starting to fade out and men throughout the Midwest started growing up, cleaning their butts, and cutting their hair. But they couldn't cut it all off. That wouldn't look tough enough. And who in their right mind would rob the store while the cashier's mullet is staring them down?

 

SPECIMEN #003 Mardi Gras Mullet Diet: Mad Dog 20/20 Orange Jubilee, Lucky Dogs Habitat: New Orleans, Louisiana during Mardi Gras. However, this particular creature wanders north to Mississippi for the remainder of the year to hibernate. Daily routine: Spends entire night in bar talking to a guy that's passed out, goes back to his hotel room, brushes his mullet for almost 20 minutes to get that straight look (shave top if necessary), contemplates what to wear for 0.1 seconds, flexes in the mirror, then leaves the hotel room on his 10-speed bike in search of "new friends" for the day along the parade routes. Psychiatric conclusion: This particular species is a natural traveler (note the fanny pack). They are also very skilled in the art of conversation due to their ability to talk to you about something for hours while continuing to remain perfectly incoherent. And just look at the self-cut muscle shirt and mysteriously matching green shorts. This particular specimen is a genius.

 

SPECIMEN #004 Daniel Boone Mullet Diet: Spam, Viena Sausages, Bologna, Faygo, Tang Habitat: Unknown (Species may have spread out to anywhere from their point of origin, which is reported to be wherever Daniel Boone and Roy Orbison spawned them). Daily routine: Most of this specimen's day is spent reading comic books and dreaming of being Mulletman, the all-powerful superhero who is faster than a speeding grandma, more ridiculous than a plaid locomotive, and able to creep-out all women in a single try. Psychiatric conclusion: If you encounter this creature, don't run! Thank him for his heroic deeds and salute in the direction of the nearest comic store.

 

SPECIMEN #005 Teen Menace Mullet Diet: Hamburgers and Whole Milk Habitat: A neighborhood near you. Daily routine: Wakes up, smells finger, pretends to be sick, forced to go to school by his mother, catches the bus (Specimen's car was totaled in an accident), moons a few following cars, gets to school, makes out with freshman girlfriend by the lockers, gives her a hickey, proceeds to class, falls asleep, repeats last four steps six more times throughout the course of the day, goes to football practice, gets kicked off the team for poor grades, rushes to work at McDonald's, cooks 100 plus hamburgers, eats five, spits on 10, goes home, falls asleep on sofa with one hand down the pants while watching Growing Pains reruns (starring Kirk Cameron, fellow Teen Menace Mullet). Psychiatric conclusion: If you must photograph this species, use a lens filter with your camera to block the harmful rays emanating from the Mullet's permanent cocky facial expression. Never try to take a second picture or you will be forced to listen to some seriously irritating whining.

 

SPECIMEN #006 String Cheese With A Dash Of Poof Mullet AKA Flock of Seagulls Mullet Diet: Pepsi and Chia Pet seeds Habitat: Drive-in theaters, Mall and high school parking lots Daily routine: Scientists are baffled by this particular species. There is very little evidence of daily behavior, making the study of this specimen inconclusive. Experts have drawn out some theories. One suggests that he does not get out much, because he is too busy grooming that beautiful head. Another theory suggests a life of driving around high schools looking for a date. Psychiatric conclusion: Unpredictable. Scientists have no idea what this creature is thinking.

 

SPECIMEN #007 The Denial Mullet Diet: Jack and Coke. Habitat: French Quarter Bars Daily routine: Hanging out in bars. Okay, let's give this specimen some credit since he is wearing a pretty snazzy polo shirt and looks somewhat respectable. My guess ... blue collar worker, and there's nothing wrong with that. But ... IT'S 2005 AND HE'S SPORTING A MULLET!!! Psychiatric conclusion: This guys just needs to realize that people are taking their photos with him, like my brother (left), because IT'S 2005 AND HE'S SPORTING A MULLET!!! Then, after that brush with reality, perhaps he will become embarrassed, crawl home, and cut that crap off. Or at the very least, grow the top out. All kidding aside ... if you have a mullet, keep it, you beautiful beast, because this stuff is hilarious.